Man Wants New Wife

Okay, one of the first responses I got was from a man who has marital problems.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Me and my wife don't get along like we used to. I think she's been having an affair or something and whenever I ask what's the problem she's always yelling and screaming. And she gets angry whenever I go out with my friends. She's even threatened to divorce me. I need someone in my life so I've even thought about having my own affair cause I need a wife. I don't know...I'm so depressed. Can you help me?
--Desperate

Well, the first thing you need to do, Desperate, is realize that life doesn't have to be about you. I mean, sure, it's nice to worry about yourself, but then when would you get time to care about others? The base of all relationships is caring about others. So, don't go around thinking that you need a new soulmate or that you are depressed. That will lead you down an even more egocentric path that may even result in suicide; most people who commit suicide are egotists who care only about their own feelings and not others or the impact of their action. I mean sure, you can argue that they're victims of society or something like that, but really people just need to stop blaming others for their problems (even if others do cause them), be brave, and attempt to solve it themselves. Don't be weak; then again, what I'm saying is seemingly empty idealism that people won't follow anyway because of human nature.

Anyway, through this unselfish approach, you ought to treat your wife with patience. Your wife is supposed to be the most wonderful person you know; no matter where they're from in the world, all good people agree. Marriage is sacred. The problem is, the Western culture facilitates marital corruption and misogyny. Sure, it flaunts "freedom for all," civil liberties, sexual equality, and such, but the reality of the situation is that all that is simply superficial. It leaves so many people like yourself in a wormhole of despair. You can return toothpaste, a movie ticket, and even a car; but in America you can even return a marriage. That's sick.

Anyway, like I said, what you need to do is to stop thinking about yourself. Don't get pissed off when your wife is screaming at you. Stop going around with you friends if it makes your wife mad; she most probably thinks you guys are roaming around bars and brothels. Your concerns should be the last priority in a successful marriage. In time, if you're not selfish, your wife will feel good and reciprocate this approach and you'll both receive benefits; that is contingent, of course, on how much damage you've already caused. Hopefully, it hasn't been much.

Now, if your wife is having an affair, then you have a right to be pissed off. But don't make it evident you suspect anything yet. Just progressively change your attitude to an unselfish one until your wife soon realizes it. Maybe then she'll stop. But of course, the momentum of irrational passion is often unescapable, so she might continue. Make it your priority to not hurt her. So, you can cry to yourself or something like that. It's ultimately up to her whether or not to stop. If she's a good-natured person then she would eventually stop it. If not, then you've unfortunately married a bad person. Don't break the marriage though; tolerate it.

We can say that unless she's a really bad person, you've brought this affair upon yourself. Your selfishness has driven your wife to conclude that she is not in a bona fide marriage with you and that maybe you're a lazy, impotent drunkard who doesn't care about her. Whether or not she is having the affair, I recommend you immediately start cleaning up your act. And don't ever fall for the temptation of going back to selfishness. Everything takes time, but with sufficient focus you can get it done and at least make your marriage as good as possible under the conditions.

Don't think about having an affair again. After you've gotten better and your wife realizes it, share intimate moments with her to both repair the marriage and satisfy your various needs. If she's unwilling, still give it some time. Also, make sure to spend much more time with her. Even if it means you'll lose a paycheck or a promotion, maybe take a day off from work to be with her. Visit a lake or take a walk in the park. Go to the library, check out a big book, and read it together in a comfy chair. And don't make it a one-time thing, because she might realize that you consider spending time with her a chore to try to save the marriage; yes, in time you can bluntly tell her that you're trying to save the marriage, but you should really care.

And if it's a possibility that you'll lose your job or something like that, then still spend time with her (unless you're in a real tight spot in which losing your job would mean that your wife will get even more angry at you because you're kind of poor, in which case you should come to compromise); I doubt your job is more important than your wife.

Basically, the solution to your problem is to have unshakeable faith in the mindset that your wife is the number one priority in your life; don't think of it as a stupid cliche, because it's so true. Consider that as legitimately married people you're both one soul in two bodies. If I were you, I wouldn't give up a part of my soul for anything in the entire universe, would I? I wouldn't, so I doubt you have any legitimate reason to do that either. That's the intrinsic nature of love.